A Poorly Mouse

The Mouse was very unsure of this post, reading back posts have been less than lightweight, and perhaps dark. Not what the Mouse wanted at all; this darkness had let Mouse to shy away from his creative outlet, instead of Mouse being free, Mouse had simply created a new set of bars, restrictions and constraints. Without thought, squeeks had to have a certain theme and tenor, Mouse was so used to building prisons, the habit stayed long after the real prison had gone.

Mouse got poorly, not life threatening, but painful requiring a hospital admission where doctors failed to find a cause, and had not blood tests consistently told them something was very wrong would have no doubt never would have admitted the Mouse in the first place. There was no epiphany, no light bulb moment or cliche, instead with space and distance came the ability to see. Mouse knew the world had changed, Mouse knew things were different, what Mouse had not realised was just how different that world had actually become.

Before when growing up, sickness, injury and such were battled through, worked through, sympathy was not what you did, empathy was such as required to motivate you, you either got better or you carried on anyway. So Mouse knew no different, so not blessed with a life free of sickness nor injury, Mouse never knew a different way, as he got older he realised that being sick was a drag on life for those around him, a drag it was his job to minimise, he was a burden and that being sick meant Mouse was not pulling his weight. Mouse knew at the end of sickness or injury came work, as you made up for all that you had not done. Even when Mouse overcame massive injury, overcame the odds to walk properly again; that was expected after all who wants a husband in a wheelchair, it was his duty not to burden his family like that.

Not that Mouse would have given up, Mouse is not made of that material, simply that Mouse knew that if he stopped swimming, he would sink, and sink alone. That was then, Mouse knows that in his new world this was no longer the case. Mouse got very sick, and his new wife gave him support that amazed him and has throughout their relationship enabled him to heal and get to a place he has never been before mentally and physically. But this time there was a new dimension. Mouse was always told how he had upset people, how people thought negatively of him, how is name was met with a less than enthusiastic response, an “oh him” and such like. Mouse was told that people he met found him unpleasant, distasteful, and that he was not liked at all. Mouse did his best to keep quiet and keep his head down, avoid eye contact. Mouse never wanted anger or confrontation, knowing he was upsetting to be near, Mouse did his best to be distant. Mouse also knew, no one asked after him, no one showed concern unless it was directly recieved. Mouse got poorly.

When the Mouse got poorly, people asked about him, not just directly. Lots of people asked about him. Nurses and staff smiled, Mouse was told that “oh he is lovely”. When Mouse left it was to smiles and genuine reactions of pleased to see you better, it was warm not cold. Not only this, but on the day it was possibe Mrs Mouse stayed all day, she stayed all the time in A+E (previously Mouse would have gone alone because it was too much trouble otherwise) till Mouse was in the bed on the ward at 3:30am and back at 8am staying all day. And again, because she could, there for all of every visiting. This has never happened to Mouse, none of it. Mouse even got a phone call from his Pastor, that has never happened for a good reason before.

Mouse has wondered, both as this happened and the few days since, what was different. Yes Mouse was different, different at the end because Mouse stopped hiding. But at the start Mouse was so very sick, so very unsure, Mouse was the same Mouse. How could this be, if Mouse was being the same, and of course you realise. You were lied to, your sickness was another opportunity to tell you that you were a bad person, you were worthless and unworthy. Your weakness simply facilitated a different abusive run. Mouse was no different. The world was different, that became clearer than ever.

So, that was the ephiphany moment, the world is the place it appeared to be all along. It was not a lie, it was not a construction of someone well meaning to help the Mouse change. The world had become real, reactions to Mouse were real and importantly communicated genuinely. Nothing has really changed, Mouse has changed a little and so hopefully Mouse will feel free to write a little differently, Mouse will have the confidence to explore creatively, like Mouse was always supposed to. Maybe Mouse is being a little shy, Mouse has decided to try something new and creative, it may fail, it may appear here, whatever, Mouse is going to step out of his comfort zone and do something completely new.

Mouse even when poorly sick, was getting better.


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