Poorly Mouse Pt 2:
Thursday is bad day, Mouse has had a string of very painful Thursdays. This particular Thursday the pain was bad, but Mouse had an errand to run, so meeting up with someone who had not seen Mouse for a couple of months was something to look forward to. Sure it was fun, as fun as it could be, but she said Mouse looked pale and drawn. Mouse realised looking in the mirror, pale had become normal.
In the everyday Mouse hears, its good to have you back again, when for that precious time the pain dulls down. And Mouse knows that the pain makes for a shorter tempered much grouchier Mouse, not a Mouse that Mouse likes to be. Pain changes people, it makes them act out of character and be someone they are not. This maybe obvious with physical pain, and with two hospital admissions and a ghostly pallor, Mouse has no trouble explaining the physical pain. Harder is emotional pain, in fact that feels impossible.
Mouse has been trying to be productive, doing parts of bigger tasks or little tasks to make sure that Mouse is not languishing in a big pit of self pity and morphine. Today Mouse decided, for what reason Mouse will never know, to clear out old photographs. The great thing about digital is you can take lots of pictures, the bad thing about digital is that you can take lots of pictures. Another Mouse loves Instagram, posting and following, Mouse loves photography and art so perhaps naturally leans towards the visual media. Today was the easy, get rid of the irrelevant stuff, things downloaded to make a witty comment, or for events long past, erase duplicates and Mouse thought, easy stuff.
Scrolling through the Mouse’s life hurt, not a sharp stabbing pain, more of a slow cut into Mouse’s consciousness. Mouse was able to not relive the moments captured, but even scrolling there was the face of Mouse’s abuser, there were the invisible memories. Mouse knew the story behind the perfect moment, Mouse knew what consequence awaited, everything came back, preverbially flooding back. Mouse felt that urge to be back in those moments, but instead Mouse remembered the thoughts, the emotions, the intentions and the outcomes behind the picture. But most of all was the face, the smiling face, that public façade and show that hid what happened to Mouse.
Even clearing the past away brings the past back to life, it has to be handled. The question for Mouse now is does Mouse delete every picture with his abuser present, not just the ones of her alone, or does Mouse keep some. Some of those days were, happy, and Mouse clings to the happy moments, (even if they were drip fed). Mouse knows what Mouse’s intentions were, and Mouse wants to avoid being bitter about the past. To be consumed by bitterness only hurts the bitter, and Mouse hurting is exactly what Mouse’s abuser wants.
So Mouse deleted a few thousand, memories that the Mouse does not need, Mouse perhaps leaked a little remembering how Mouse had felt about certain previously favourite pictures, and Mouse smiled as more embarrassing ones went to digital oblivion. Mouse deleted friends of the past, in-laws nephews and nieces of the past. It hurt, remembering the betrayal of people the Mouse had helped so much, time as well as money, kindness and friendship given freely without thought of return, paid back with betrayal and lies. Say nothing, perhaps, turn against the Mouse who had instigated so much help for you, why?
That is the past, it is there, it is a ghost that haunts. The past casts a shadow, however much the Mouse refuses to look back, it is there in front of the Mouse. Indeed, this week, looking to the future, the biggest problem the Mouse could encounter is ghosts from the past. Don’t look to the past, you are not going that way, how true, but when you look to the future that past might be in your way too.