This week is the Mouse’s youngest twins birthday; birthdays are tough. Tough not just because the Mouse does not get to be part of the day, not just tough because it is a big reminder that the Mouse doesn’t get to see them. More than that, which the Mouse has learned to accept, peace has been made with that; this is deeper. Birthdays require the Mouse to enter a dialogue with Mouse’s abuser. Mouse has to find out what they want, and do that is to enter the arena of games and manipulation, advantage will be taken, shots will be fired.
The Mouse is drawn back into that world. The reality is, she says very little, interacts very little, manipulates a lot by taking advantage of the Mouse’s natural generosity. The Mouse conceded that the Mouse would let this happen within certain limits, and that the Mouse would not change, would not take a positive and deny it just because Mouse’s abuser would take it and use it as a weapon. Mouse is no longer hurt by these things, Mouse learned to take much worse over 13 years. The Mouse is a liar, the hurt has faded, maybe the hurt is gone, but some days the scars feel raw, angry raw; like today. Perhaps, like Tony Robbins’ says, if the Mouse says it enough, affirms it enough, acts like it is true enough, one day it will be reality; however, optimism is not Mouse’s friend.
The tough part is the memories. Somehow, the memories come to the surface, the past pushes its way through, clamouring for attention, pestering, knawing away, lying like a nightmare on the Mouse’s brain. Situations remind, conversations turns, she is there, the third wheel is back, distracting, by her very presence in Mouse’s thoughts a fight erupts. The Mouse goes back to war with the Mouse, only sustained effort maintains and uneasy nervous ceasefire.
The Mouse, thought this would get easier with time, it hasn’t. In fact, it is almost as if as the Mouse has healed, the Mouse has moved on, that the Mouse lives a productive, quiet and peaceful life, the further Mouse moves away from drama, and the better life is for the Mouse, the harder these memories can hit. It is like they are best working from a distance, like a skilled MMA fighter working the long range and staying out of trouble, inflicting damage, and waiting for that moment to swarm in and overwhelm the Mouse.
The Mouse plods on, yes the Mouse has Morphine and Moonshine, but neither helps. Like sitting on a drawing pin, whatever you do, unless you pull it out, it will stab you and you will feel it if you can still feel. That amount of numb, while once an idea, does not appeal to the Mouse. Maybe next year?