Monday Night Reflection

Normally I write about the Mouse in the third person; this is quite liberating as it allows me and the Mouse to be different people. I am the Mouse, but the Mouse is not all of me. The Mouse has always been the deeper, inner person behind what is an identity and persona that allows me, and therefore, the Mouse, to function. Left to his own devices the Mouse is fond of his Mousehole, and avoiding people. The Mouse, as I have explored that part of who I am, that is that part of me I have given life with the Mouse looks back and is busy with the job of processing the past. The Mouse does not particularly have a future orientation, although, clearly the Mouse considers it. Of course, I have, since deciding to create the Mouse grown to love the Mouse, and more than that, really value and understand the work the Mouse does.

We need to take care what we build for ourselves.

The Mouse takes trauma and transforms it into creativity. The Mouse is both the author and creative director. Mouse writes and explores as therapy when he writes; the Mouse is a little prone to attention deficit issues, but he and I are working together on tackling our shared problem. By giving the Mouse a voice, I have, found my voice too. The Mouse existed long before the Mouse blogged. Once the Mouse found the bravery, or whatever it was my Mouse needed to finally give expression to his world, I, that is who you would meet in person, also found my voice and my expression.

While the Mouse has been writing, creating and exploring, I have been living life, taking on the changes and challenges of the world away from keyboards, card and creativity. I am not a diary writer, and if I did want to be a diarist, I would have to ask the Mouse to help me. Writing a diary has never appealed, I do keep a gratitude journal which I pen once, twice and the odd three times a month. It says very much the same things, somehow, what I am grateful for is the strategy and structures more than I am the ebb and flow of the day. That said I am going to see Katherine Jenkins and I am super excited; I will be very grateful when I have done that. However, lovely occasions are the icing and cake toppers which make what is great absolutely beautiful. My reluctance to diary does not mean I have nothing to say or want to say nothing. I would like to say something, or maybe I would like the Mouse to say something on my behalf; possibly I mean, I want the Mouse to help me express what I want to say. I do not have as much to say as the Mouse, the Mouse loves to explore the creative process, and the thoughts and emotions that his writing evokes in him. Without putting myself down, my everyday is uneventful, deliberately without drama, I seek calm and peace, and for the most part, my days are very much the same. Now, I know for some, that is a living nightmare, for me, that certainty is security, and security allows me to be happy.

The Mouse is a reflective fellow; the rest of me likes to look forward and plan, together we like to learn, create and share. Monday Night Reflections are intended as a collaboration where anyone who reads gets a peek at the person outside the Mouse, the character and personality of the Mouse, and, as well, it provides a place where a little context can appear.

It could also be that when you are sat waiting for biopsy results to see if you have oesophageal cancer, you just need to say it somewhere, somehow because you are more than a little bit worried, and so are those who love you the most you have ended up saying nothing. That you want to say, I feel powerless, and saying it will be okay is hollow and meaningless until the actual day to find out what is actually the case. And, that until, you actually know the results, you feel it would be wrong to worry people unnecessarily or make a fuss when there are people with real cancer not just the possibility or the maybe.

Writing out a reasons why explanation, something I do anyway, because I am a planner and researcher, who likes to trust his instincts and make decisions quickly (go figure!), makes me think, actually, I want to share more than this current concern, that there is value in the idea of reflecting, in a positive and constructive way on what I and the Mouse have been doing and sharing those thoughts.

Monday Night Reflections will be, for the most part, left raw, unedited with the minimum or even no proofreading to maintain their authenticity as an insight into the thoughts, feelings, emotions, context and world of both the Mouse and I.


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