Pen and Paper: a little bit more

I leave my Monday Night Reflection’s raw, I do as little editing as possible, and I do not tend to go back and read them over a number of times before I post them. For some reason I want them to be authentic and real.

Today, I did read my reflection back and resisted the temptation to revise it, and revise it a lot. I started in one direction and ended up in a completely different place. What has been on my mind lately is the changes in me. What I am now struggling to engage with, and where the Mouse will be called into action, is that this is a change from. What I am changing from and too is deeply steeped in the past. This would be the case for anyone making changes in their life, which is part of the problem that I face. I am not consciously making changes, I have not decided in a fully conscious way to go from X to being Y. Instead, I am, in my conscious head at the very least, just going with the flow of what feel right and comfortable. Where I am going is into the why of what I was before and how that leads to where I am now, and in no small measure, where did who I am now originate.

I am certainly not the person of my youth, which is good, so how much of the person who was abused is being rewritten and how much of who I am now is still vulnerable to that manipulation and emotional violence. Perhaps the question is do I really want to go to that place to find out.


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