Dear Diary: 1st March 2017

My head hurts, the pain from my obstructed bile duct that Doctor’s could not find is back. I had this cool symptom triad of pain approximately over my pancreas, radiating back to my kidney and a headache. That triad never went completely but things are building.

This is about life boxes, the weekend has left me behind with creativity and my business project. I feel stupid because my Anonymouse blog can’t promote my little venture and my venture can’t direct to my blog without broadcasting to my ex and the problems and issues that would create that I cannot handle. But I want people to see the blog and find it useful to them and I want to share what I create.

Feel like I don’t promote myself out of fear of backlash and there is this great big set of shadows. On the one hand, I have that fear of vicious reprisals and the fact that those near me do have something to lose and she not only knows how but also would because she did once already try and destroy anyone seen as on my team. On another, I have a health issue that has already taken away my hard work and opportunities that I worked for.

Feel hemmed in by threats. While at the same time as my creative project boxes are stalling, my life – life has a car dying, another car breaking, a budget that had a 13k hole in it, 6k owed I never knew about and a £300 a month outgoing that wasn’t in the original budgeting, so my income is super low just as the financial shit hits the fan, and because of my health, which is really crappy, I can’t just take a crappy job to bring in money because I could wake up or even take sick. I have actually collapsed a few times in the last 6 months, probably should have let myself be taken to hospital but I refused.

That is all becoming more than I can cope with in a big way. At the same time, there is all that opportunity which feels like it is slipping away because I just cannot get to take advantage of it through being ill, through dealing with minor life issues like I need to. It’s all being wasted for me as well as by me being so fearful to step out. I feel like success would bring a shitstorm of reprisals, it’s all brakes on me that I feel and they are hurting.

 

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