It has been a difficult time; and honestly I am still in a difficult spot. I am sat next to my hospital bed writing on my netbook hoping the rather poor wifi will let me post this. At the same time, I want to reflect in a relevant way about my life, what I have learned, and what is important to me without turning into a rather dull medical saga.
What I am in the middle of is serious. Luckily for me it is not a stroke, and not a TIA either, so my brain hasn’t been damaged by what is happening no less than 4 times a day. Which looks like a stroke, right out the text book. So it scary to be around and its down right terrifying to experience because I am fully conscious and thinking but only able to hear. Before usually slipping unconscious anytime from 5 minutes to an hour after an attack starts.
I am not going to detail the medical stuff, but I’ve been discharged from 2 hospitals being told it’s not a stroke so there is nothing wrong. That is a story that will be told offline in offices with legal people present. Which presents a challenge. Clearly, this has been the majority of my experience coming the day after my Reflection on Logan.
I could decide to write about an epiphany experience about having my eyes opened to the value and gift of life, but that would be the very worst sort of lie. Deception is not my aim. I already knew that I was a small amount of income away from the perfect dream life, and that that distance was both small and not terribly bothersome. Perfection could wait while I enjoyed the fantastic opportunity I had. My goals have not changed, although I have had some ideas on how to bridge the income gap, they are ideas, and I have made small priority decisions, after all, I have had a lot of time to think. Not being able to move or speak does that. I have evaluated positions I held and decided that there are things I can do differently and opportunities I should not dismiss out of hand.
So I am not radically revamping my blog, I am not changing the direction of my life, in fact, I am more convinced that I am on to a good thing and the goals I have are smart enough to serve me well. My commitment to my craft and project is largely unchanged although I always knew I had to look into my time management as well as being a little more organised so I could get ideas out of my head into a secure parking space quickly and then find them again. Things that I haven’t necessarily made a priority, and I want to use better time management to work on the things I want to be working on, and measure my involvement in fun distractions.
I will probably get an XBox One too, I always loved Forza and my eldest son plays it as well as other games, so I get a bit of mindless distraction and can get a closer to him (My children from my 1st marriage live with their mother). Which may seem to contradict my commitment to be productive with a weak excuse, but the aim is to do things I enjoy and relax me, and to manage my social media involvement. To date, I have used social media as a distraction and I want to lose that aspect and concentrate on connection and positivity, which is what I love doing.
Which may turn out to the light bulb epiphany moment in my current experience. Making explicit that I love to help others and that having a positive impact is something I find fulfilling and rewarding to the point I chase that drug with all the manic drive of an addict in withdrawal without any conscious acknowledgement that this is the case. And perhaps, even, an element of denial and a desperate maintenance of cynical observation to mask that actually that I care so much that I get hurt and used.
I don’t want to tell my story just to tell my story, that is pointless. If I tell my story I want it to establish my credentials as someone who was not born extra-ordinary, who has no super-power like talents, and is very much a non-remarkable specimen. If I possess any attributes it would be stubbornness and stupidity. Too stupid to know when I am supposed to be beaten and too stubborn to give up even if I did. A genuinely mixed blessing. However, this is why I want to help others be everything they can be, love life and live a fulfilling life chasing goals, not dreams, goals that make them happy. Growing to be someone they would want to be friends with, want their children to be friends with, and would let their children marry and who they would happily trust to employ and look after all that they hold dear and valuable.
I am not sure if I am really that person, but the journey to be that person, that’s the stuff of my life and I am convinced is the very best of life.
As John Connor said, “the future is not set, there is no fate but that we make for ourselves!”