Dear Diary: Administrative Error

They happen.

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You don’t get sent what you should. Nothing personal.

In that moment, that space between what should be and what is not, in the gap comes the realisation that what is coming, what you are waiting for, that thing those other people

 

have, that you crave to be just like them, to wear, just like them, that you earned, and worked for that is justifiably yours and is your reward, that has been denied you by a simple mistake and is now one more hurdle away.

The fact that it can be denied in a moment by a simple administrative error shows that your loyalty has been wasted, that those that grant you what you thought was great reward and honour, hold you in no esteem at all.

You are not valued, they do not think of you at all, they forgot you. Your work, sacrifice, dedication, consistency, all that it took to get you to the point where you could be great for them, they forgot, and instead you had to go back and say, excuse me you forgot that I earned that too. They forgot about you even before you were done.

The truth of your value, if you let it, starkly strikes you.  What did you earn, what was its value, if you continue, what will the value of that really be, if only you care and you don’t then why take another step at all?

The game is done, over, played. The delusion ended, you are worthless, empty, discarded, yesterday’s news and never was.

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