I am still taking a break from things online; anaemia and a kidney infection have me feeling very sorry for myself, especially as the anaemia has me being checked out down the cancer care pathway.
With bowel cancer killing my father and a genetic component to the variant he had, it is quite easy to indulge in serious bouts of self-pity on top of the year I have already had. Add in that I am quite clearly now scoring brilliantly as clinically depressed and doing really well on the PTSD screens – as done by real mental health professionals and not just Facebook, you could say I am not feeling my best.
So, what do you do, you try and remember who said fail forward and do it. You try and remember that if you hadn’t worked so hard to be in a fit state this lot would have possible in reality actually killed you and if not in a real sense, it would have destroyed you to a point not far away both physically and mentally.
Instead, when you said, I am going to get healthy and well as a priority, you shut up and did it, 35kg of weight loss and a lot of therapy work later you were much closer to being a healthy individual and had built a life of healthy relationships and contribution that, is, now, paying off because you haven’t snapped, you are not alone, and no one is stepping out, instead they are stepping up.
Despite the year, which in anyone’s book, has been awful, which most people would have put their goals down, and just gone to simple survival, I actually achieved those goals anyway; proved a point and came out the other side a different person.
Not in some great epiphany, in a humble acknowledgement, that I did ok, that I had become someone worthy of friendship and respect, and all the time I had failed to realise that I wasn’t the person the abusers said I was, and that I had focussed so hard on building myself into someone else in secret, I had failed to notice that it was showing on the outside and people were noticing. And, that, in fact, my abusers had gotten so virulent and finally discarded me and tried to destroy me and drive me to suicide because their version of me wasn’t holding water anymore. People were meeting me and realising the stories were lies.
I had my head down, just working on not being who the abuser said I was, who I had grown up believing I was, who I was told my whole life I was, that I hadn’t been him for years and I had become someone completely different.
And now I hear words like, respected, wise, and even inspirational and they are about someone else. They are are words you use to describe other people, that’s what people on TV, YouTube you know famous people get called, that’s someone I go to meet, I queue up to shake their hand.
I am not famous, and there are no queues, but those words really were about me, I checked, I saved the messages that said “you changed my life” and how it is better because of me, and I am clueless, I was surviving, I was just in a triangle, by holding them up, I didn’t fall myself, by giving I had a reason to stay alive 24 hours, another 24 hours, and just kept putting those 24 hours together.
Then suddenly; I’m here, no abuser, no one says I am bad, and I broke. It’s not the first time, I’ve broken down before, there is only so much a person can take; what you do is don’t quit, realise its another day in an “it does matter life” and fall forward, fail towards success; and breathe because smart as you may be, you are too dumb to know when you are beaten so you always did just get right back up anyway, why should you change the habit of a lifetime?