I am sorry, I am sorry to myself, not sorry for myself. I forgot and broke the promise I made, it’s like breaking a new year’s resolution before the end of January, except I didn’t make it at New Year, and it this is not the first time I have broken it, I just thought I would do better.
I was staying away from Facebook except for specific groups and types of post within those groups. I had rules, the rules were there to protect me from making this mistake, but I just threw away a comment. And it exploded, they always explode. What happens is, I make a comment, what I feel is a throwaway contribution, in this case discussing a sporting event at the weekend, and suddenly I am on the end of people hurt on behalf of a competitor in it. And as usual, the personal assessments fly.
I am in a quandary, its not my Facebook posting, it was a flippant comment and not something I regarded as news, a lot of other people have said the same things, perhaps with less flower or good grammar. The person knows me, they know the insults are rather hurtful and very untrue. Ironically, I have actually put money into the career of the person these people are stepping in to defend, and while I don’t know them personally we do share a mutual friend.
This person would be laughing at me and my comments, and probably giving me a lot of banter back if they were in the room because they are massively better at what they do and better at my hobby than me as well, so my opinion for fun counts for nothing.
But, I am kicking myself, because, here I am in the middle of people, taking this so very seriously, and who are going to be at this place with me, who are angry at me for no reason, why does this happen, why did I let myself break my own rules, why didn’t I stay silent like I promised myself.
I promised myself that until I could not get remotely hurt by the unkindness and words of strangers who have no relevance to my life I had to stay disengaged, but, I was stupid, and the words came, so unexpected. People do not know me, what I do, who I am, they see a comment and they conclude and throw out the nastiness. I see it, that is why I said to myself, avoid it, walk away.
And here I am. I realised I didn’t like the world mostly because the world did not like me. My desire for solitude is because I know I am not wanted, not really part of that, out there, I don’t care if my shirt is the right shade of blue, I don’t think a new TV makes the perfect Christmas, I don’t see the perfect life I am shown as perfect at all. I don’t really like what the world is, what it values, how it treats people; I want to be left alone; left to be kind and gentle in peace. To laugh and not be serious about what is not serious and not be forced to pretend: left to be who I am; sadly I get my peace by hiding. In the world, it is violent, rough and the very things it tells me are wrong to do, can be done to me; I never have worked out why that was okay, but it definitely works that way.
And so, I promised, the world; in all its manifestations, control your presence and your presentation, disengage your engagement, keep it away, find that quiet place where you control you can be present without really being there; and I fail. I failed today.
I wish I knew why I fail, I wish I sought external approval, I wanted fame or notoriety, in reality, anonymity is quite awesome. It’s a liberating to be no-one, to be open and vulnerable, kind and gentle, mild embers, to free of expectation and assumption … to be unknown for what you can be known.
I am left, my blank, white page, full of dreary drivel, and ruminatory ramblings, to ponder how I avoid my stumble. Seriously, while I can divert myself and pretend, I need to get distance, and do things that don’t need to the “that escalated quickly” moment; it does me harm and sets me back.
Stay off Facebook, I do a lot, this was a friend posting a who will I see, so easy to slip up, but to delete would be folly when it is actually a tool in my communication box; and it is also how events I attend are announced, co-ordinated and run … I am forced to engage at some level, or perhaps its time would have passed. … But I still wonder, why the anger, why the hatred …