Anxiety is crippling; not all the time, but at its very worst, it paralyses me completely. My mind fills with nothing but questions and big what if? dilemmas.
The fears, are both rational and irrational, having had a paralysing hemiplegic migraine just 10 days ago I know that is always a possibility in everything I do. Going out alone from the house is an inherently higher risk activity than it has ever been, and this one gave me very little warning, raising questions about how far I could have gotten if I had tried to make it home. I was paralysed completely on the left and lost significant use on my right for around 45 minutes, unable to speak or make intelligible sounds, exactly what would happen? Not something I really want to find out.
As I recover the question is, what will better look like, how far am I going to recover from the physical effects of what possibly happened, let alone the mental impact of not actually having anything conclusive. My reality is that in the lack of lasting measurable damage nothing is cut and dried. Did I have a heart attack, did I have a tia, no one can say for sure that I did, however, at the same time there is absolutely no decisive evidence that I didn’t either. I was treated as if I had a heart attack to make sure that if I had I would have the best chances, and I was checked to see if a tia had left any damage – but my presentation was of both.
Today the question is what have I lost that I would like back, everything from getting to be a father in the day to day sense, or my business, to abilities and skills and, I guess, material things too. A difficult question because I have learned to forget what I cannot get back, or at least not think about them as best I can. It is gone, it is all gone, and I am not even sure I want a lot of it again.
Which is the real thing here, all I have is questions and fears. I am not equipped to think about what I want to do without that thought being loaded with the what if I am unable, fail, waste money, or get sabotaged if I start to be successful. All things that have happened before, what if I get too sick to see something through, and what if … what if in reality I don’t want to anymore because I know I can’t and I am protecting myself from disappointment. What if the journey isnt worth it, the cost is too high, what if the cost of victory is really lonliness, emptyness and disappointment, what if that is the cost of the journey to failure too.
What if … I am just hurting people and they really would be better off without me …. what if?