Dear Diary: Vlogging, Nipsy Hussle and Breadcrumb Trails

The eagle-eyed will have spotted a set of pictures of Cumbria. A beautiful sunset where I took the full opportunity to take a lot of pictures and experiment with some raw lens effects using a couple of camera phones, although I didn’t have any extra lenses with me because the main purpose was to celebrate a birthday.

I haven’t gotten to editing and playing with my software and some new toys in the post-production department either. There are many hours to be lost learning huge professional packages with capabilities stretching far beyond my needs at this point in time. I believe the term is future proofing, in which case I am very future proof and pushing my 9-year-old computer to the max. Luckily in 2010, I was able to nearly max out my iMac and that definitely future proofed it and was one of my good decisions that year.

Of course, great weekends away have to end eventually, and awesome as it was to hang out in the countryside with a log burning fire and chill with a death match of monopoly and probably a bit more alcohol that is recommended without anyone being out of it. I know, how very grown up and adult, the sort of thing when it is a group of essential introverts in a single space. Getting back to reality, was for me hitting the medical ground with a bump, with even a trip to the dentist included.

Whatever great new opportunities, certain realities cannot be ducked, for me it was medical appointments and there was a big work meeting for my spouse as well. It was always going to be a somewhat stressful week. Hitting Thursday the back of the work has been broken and regular things heading into a very quiet weekend commitment-wise. Medically, its all about piecing together the picture from the specialists, lucky I am reasonably well informed on medical things and my GP is onside and, on my page, so together we combine resources to do our “care plan” as a team. Not the usual model, which is why I respect her so much, because she collaborates with me, my knowledge and feedback, experience and ability to brute force use time to beat a problem that she does not have, in order to really be active in my healthcare.

I am grateful because consultants are not always collaborative, and certainly not always brilliant at the more holistic picture, plus with me there are non-medical reasons why things are left as breadcrumbs and threads not drawn together because that would leave potential liabilities from a legal standpoint to some quite prominent figures who didn’t do their job right. Sounds conspiracy, sadly that is what happens when you know your basic anatomy, physiology with a rough working knowledge of medicine and pharmacy. Having worked in healthcare, I know the restrictions and criteria for certain tests and how notes get written, so I know that you don’t get certain tests unless you fulfil criteria, so when someone tells me I don’t fulfil the criteria but I am getting the test, I can smell the bull. Same with test results, they reel them off and think the patient doesn’t understand them, and they don’t, sadly I do, and I know what does and doesn’t appear between them and how things get to be there, hearts don’t damage without an event for example.

Enough medical travails, as it’s gotten a tadge farcical in a way, with active treatment for things I haven’t got, and scans to check the progress of recovery from what didn’t happen. My focus is management, recovery and being as healthy and moving forward. Labels never were a big deal to me, most of the ones I pick up are negative and unhelpful anyway, and still the case.

While I was away sadly Nipsy Hussle was shot dead outside his clothing store, I am not going to say I was deep into his music, yep his Hip Hop style was great and found its way into my rotation as part of the Spotify playlists that make my music life so easy. I admit, I like different styles and I like to try new artists but I am lazy with a terrible memory, so Spotify and Soundcloud are just amazing for me because they remember what gets in my head and have pre-made lists. Really I knew Nipsy through Gary Vee, so I was more into the philosophical and cultural underpinnings of the man that made the music. And like Gary, that was something I connected with. The ethic of empathy, of the long term, Nip calling his brand The Marathon, for example, was because life is a marathon, not a sprint, of kindness, giving without expectation, of being authentic, chasing happiness not money and looking to live in a way that allows you to be happy, not doing something you hate because you have to pay for dumb stuff you don’t need.

Their ethic, and those of people like them resonates with me because I wanted to express it long before my relationship allowed me to live it as overtly as I do now, and being authentic to my values and helping people avoid the pitfalls or experiencing the lows and dark places I have been in my life is my driver, is what gets me up in the morning, it is what excites me.

One of the great things about having this blog and using art as an outlet therapeutically, it has served as a great way of failing without judgement right from the outset, and the blog has allowed me to learn, explore, and throw that out there into public space. What this has done has gradually broken down the internal barriers to communication with others outside the online world as well as in it, I have become more content with my content, and happy to just throw it up and see what happens. Not to say this blog is a hive of activity, being ill (and learning to live with ME) has really been a challenge in a management term because I am faced with limited energy resources that I have never faced before, as well as capability restrictions and variability in capability that make projections and forecasts of output a minefield to impossible. That all said, I have been gradually moving and appreciating that change, and spending time about how I can make that change into something concrete.

This creative meandering led me to look at different directions for being expressive, how to create chunks of distinct time, now and in the future for those activities and planned future projects as my physical status can change for better or worse. I was an awareness that my driver was essentially sharing a story to share learning, and that was you don’t have to be what people say you are, and your circumstances do not have to define you or who you will become. I am not the kid that grew up on the council estate in North London who got into fights and was an alcoholic with a drug problem before 20, nor am I the person teachers, even my parents and most people thought I was going to be. I have come close, and I have nearly proved them right, the thing is, I didn’t, and I got out of that cycle, or should we say I am getting out, still some hangover in my life. I want to share that in my creativity, my poetry, everything I do, even my photographs are all part of showing authenticity between my words and my actions.

The question on my mind is, do I extend Anonymouse era or, is it time to call time for the mouse and the start to step out of the shadows. Create a single venture which is not under my real name or is time to have a parallel multi-media project and keep the mouse as a more philosophical outlet, or even do I subsume both those project under a larger creative umbrella and rebrand my entire creative output in a unique way. Each choice has its up-sides and down-sides. This is a great set of choices and decisions I can make or I can decide to defer, and even not make as the mood takes me, so it is exciting to see what opportunities I see unfold, and what doors can open, unlock, close and so on as time passes. Plus of course important, in the whole process I have to learn to chunk up my creativity while doubling down on what matters to me and produce output, not just have ideas rather be producing and documenting this great journey



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