This blog was created anonymously, using the name; Anonymouse. A play on words with a serious point that coming out of an abusive relationship I did not want that abusive person finding an avenue to gather material to either abuse or marshal in some twisted way as evidence of my wrongdoing as they had successfully done previously.
Not only had I been abused physically and emotionally, cheated on, thrown out and was given only the possessions I was able to carry and sneak out or that were of no utility before being driven bankrupt by the harassing actions of my former spouse. Who by her (yes her) actions encouraged what I call “vigilante white knight retaliation” by telling a compelling tale and who got me arrested and investigated. Sadly being exonerated twice served only to reinforce my guilt, her hounding and threatening of people was ignored, despite physical evidence, and I was denied unsupervised access to my children without evidence beyond her word, the inconsistent with the reports of the police and schools, nursery, and every agency or person who came into contact with the children, and contradictory to the evidence I was not allowed to present.
It was a dark time, a depressing time, a raw emotional time, and one where I felt massively vulnerable in real physical terms and in the more emotional way too. The important result was that while I felt broken, I did not completely shatter and I did not take my own life, despite contemplating it as a very good option considering the hurt I was causing. Out of that I met good people. The people who stepped up and became or stayed friends with me knew the stories and took the heat and the very real consequences, women came up to me and threw their arms round me and made a point of telling me they knew the stories were made up, and more than one took the time to tell me of their brother, or cousin who had been through exactly what I was going through, and it was their very kind and gentle nature that had made them the easy target for such an abusive person. It opened my eyes not to the viciousness of the one, but to the generosity, warmth and kind love of the many. Instead of making me a mean and bitter person, I rediscovered myself and the person I had wanted to be, but who had been too scared to show himself.
That me, the me that created Mr Mouse behind who this blog first stood, met a wonderful lady, who I married, and who would support me on my adventures where I would achieve more than I imagined, and who would support me more than I knew was possible. In a very real way I had a life that the young me, growing up on a rather rough council estate, going to the wrong schools, could never have imagined, only this time it was built on the right emotional loving foundations. I had done money and discovered being suicidal on expensive leather is no less lonely than the concrete floor.
That was there this blog began, I did not have much of a real purpose other than to explore myself and my creative self without judgment and without attribution so there could be no right or wrong, no standard to reach. That was derailed when what I call ill health struck. In reality, I nearly died and as I am writing the updated bio, I have had a stroke, a heart attack, am permanently disabled due to neurological damage, have a rare disabling form of migraine, and have M.E. along with the chronic back pain I have had since 31 when I was assaulted while working as a Hotel Night manager by 10 male hotel guests, the attack included them smashing a bottle over the back of my head and then when grounded kicking me for over 7 minutes, which damaged my spine.
The stroke and heart attack felt cruel coming as they did after routine minor surgery resulted in an embolism that was not treated properly. That embolism, combined with an unknown clotting disorder (clotting to easily) was to be my down fall, not as many people would presume, the usual lifestyle factors. Ironically, my lifestyle is what helped keep me alive. So now I write, I create, through the lens of the deficits I have incurred on my life journey. Perhaps, deficit is the wrong word, perhaps this is a new lens for life. I cannot say this part of the road has not changed who I am, it definitely has altered my personality and outlook in some ways, although I would argue it has more reinforced and trimmed extraneous than been the stimulus for a volte-face.
Which is where I am now, I do have a focus, and I have a love of being creative, even if I am not sharing it. That means, I have to rewrite my bio, to reflect this subtle gradual move from Mr Mouse and his freestyle random therapy session on the web towards me and Mr Mouse in a dialogue. Creating for arts sake, loving the journey for the joy of travelling, reflecting as a form of rudimentary therapy and counselling, but more than that, my wish is that I can give a reader permission to be themselves in their own complexity or simplicity. To feel that individuality is owned by doing just that and being happy with yourself: if that is drifting along the waves of current-ness and you are deeply fulfilled, more power to you. Find happiness first, happiness with the person you see in the mirror is the foundation and cornerstone of life and everything that is good, giving and receiving.
Which is my mission, I have achieved much for myself, I have helped others too, and while my personal achievement may be curtailed for a while or permanently, I do not know with that one, I can pass on the lessons of my journey, and someone my avoid the pitfalls and potholes that I hit and see further than my by standing on my shoulders and achieve happiness for their lives without massive heartache.