Dear Diary: A little scared 25th May 17

You don’t tell people you are scared

A follow-up test is a good thing. It is just an EEG.

Actually its a 3 Day EEG, I have to go into Hospital, be observed and filmed. It means my 20 minute EEG wasn’t routine.

The unit is full. The original request was downgraded to 20minutes because not even a lead consultant can break that procedure rule and to that test immediately.

A 3 day EEG is not just another test. It means my brain did not work right.

It means the problems I am having might not fix, it means the answers stopped being answers and became questions.

It meant I couldn’t file that job application and money will stay tight and difficult.

It means I really don’t know if another attack is coming or not and all the confidence I was getting could be built on shifting sand.

It means those twinges, feelings, drunken slurs and memory losses might never go, the motor skill errors could be the new me.

I could always be this easily upset and cry, I could always not understand and be emotionally fragile, I could have lost who I was forever.

Sounds might always hurt.

 

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Dear Diary 24th April 2017: I had a Plan

Day one of getting things back to normal, well I guess it really was back to normal. My wife drove off to work and I decided to hit an errand early before I got my telephone appointment with my doctor at 10:30am.

Sort of odd having the Doctor have reception ring me up and make a telephone appointment, but it has happened and the plan was to go out and get the out of the house stuff done before. Simple, normal.

As it happens, devastating normal, the car battery is flat, the rear tyre is functionally flat, and the steering feels like a truck from 1920 heavy.

The last couple of months have been expensive car wise with our cars breaking terminally leaving us with the cheap run about and then us buying a super cheap 2nd to get my wife to work that then needed fixing because its Main Dealer Service History included that Main Dealer not doing the work properly and nearly breaking the engine.

Day one and already things are messed about by 35mins into the day, which means, yep, normal for sure!

Dear Diary 14th April 2017

I have nothing to say

My voice has gone literally and metaphorically

I am scared to sleep tonight

Scared to say I had a small attack

My mouth is numb and my head is throbbing

I know the signs now, even when they are mild

Staying awake doesn’t change a thing

Sleeping gets it over with

But still I am scared

What if this time is the time I don’t make it back?

Dear Diary: 20th February 2017

Don’t stroke the Mouse!

Mouse was rushed into hospital last Tuesday with a suspected stroke.

Nearly a week later all we can say for definite is that Thursday night his brain showed no sign of damage.

20 stroke like episodes later Mouse can barely move his left side or speak.

His NHS experience is far from positive but with every reason to be down my brave Mouse is still upbeat and planning new projects for when he finally comes home.

Mrs Mouse

Dear Diary: 1st March 2017

My head hurts, the pain from my obstructed bile duct that Doctor’s could not find is back. I had this cool symptom triad of pain approximately over my pancreas, radiating back to my kidney and a headache. That triad never went completely but things are building.

This is about life boxes, the¬†weekend has left me behind with creativity and my business project. I feel stupid because my Anonymouse blog can’t promote my little venture and my venture can’t direct to my blog without broadcasting to my ex and the problems and issues that would create that I cannot handle. But I want people to see the blog and find it useful to them and I want to share what I create.

Feel like I don’t promote myself out of fear of backlash and there is this great big set of shadows. On the one hand, I have that fear of vicious reprisals and the fact that those near me do have something to lose and she not only knows how but also would because she did once already try and destroy anyone seen as on my team. On another, I have a health issue that has already taken away my hard work and opportunities that I worked for.

Feel hemmed in by threats. While at the same time as my creative project boxes are stalling, my life – life has a car dying, another car breaking, a budget that had a 13k hole in it, 6k owed I never knew about and a ¬£300 a month outgoing that wasn’t in the original budgeting, so my income is super low just as the financial shit hits the fan, and because of my health, which is really crappy, I can’t just take a crappy job to bring in money because I could wake up or even take sick. I have actually collapsed a few times in the last 6 months, probably should have let myself be taken to hospital but I refused.

That is all becoming more than I can cope with in a big way. At the same time, there is all that opportunity which feels like it is slipping away because I just cannot get to take advantage of it through being ill, through dealing with minor life issues like I need to. It’s all being wasted for me as well as by me being so fearful to step out. I feel like success would bring a shitstorm of reprisals, it’s all brakes on me that I feel and they are hurting.