REFLECTIONS:​ two steps forward

I started this blog as a place to put creative things, then I got nervous and did nothing with it, then I started posting. In that process life happened, I got sick, definitely not a good thing, but more than that, good things happened that distracted me from my creative self. Then worst of all, I got obsessed with the stats, I was metrics Mouse; boom overthinking and introspection took over, not in the world of the blog, in life. Creatively, honestly, creativity stopped and I just became risk averse, my desk filled so that I could not create, I sabotaged myself.

Now, I am working to undo that sabotage, sadly I am an excellent saboteur. Perhaps, not sadly, as I work in the great physical space to make it ready to experiment in other mediums, I am taking a new creative journey in itself, a journey of decision and consciousness. There is no flow to go with, there is no external opportunity to follow, I am deciding what it is I want to explore, how I want to explore it; in the knowledge that it is likely to be exploration for exploration’s sake and no more than artistic creation for just the love of artistic creation. Something I know nothing about. Being chronically ill as it is now has effectively retired me from one professional life and may well retire me from the other; nothing is static and the world is very much one of what have you done lately.

Creatively, this changing landscape has also brought changes, both physical, time and mental. I have some more time to be creative in, however, mentally I have much more space and I have exponentially more excitement about art and my creative endeavours because they are not being negatively judged as a form of coercive control. The full impact of not being in an abusive relationship can take many forms and years to manifest itself; sat listening to chillout music, musing about creative directions without those ideas becoming sticks to be beaten with if I fail to follow them is only one. I have the freedom to fail, without derision or mockery, it is amazingly liberating.

It has then been a week of invisible productivity, is that the perfect artists week? I have made some changes here on line, I have tweeted a little, read a lot more, listened to some new tunes and podcasts, watched some television, looked at that pile that is my desk and gotten a wooden keyboard which is very tactile and fun to use, and family stuff as well, and ideas have flowed on things I want to do. I went so far as to even book tickets in advance, so daring and adventurous was I feeling. So while there are things I did not do, and if I kept a to-do list I could look and see what I had failed to complete, instead I head feeling that this week all was well.

It is okay that the poem didn’t publish, its okay that my pencil drawing is not working out, I can use it to experiment, which was the point when I actually think about why I did it the way I did, and sure the desk is not finished and lots of other things remain to be done, they always will be. I have taken steps forward, things are changing and I have learned to find happiness and contentment, all the seasons bring their own majesty and beauty, I am learning, finally, to find the wonderous and mysterious in this season, I am no longer Shakespeare’s Gloucester, 


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