Dear Diary: 19th July 17, At The Head of the Valley

Back from a weekend in Wales.

For many, this is a simple thing, for my Mouse this was a weekend of overcoming fears. Fear of the unknown, a trip to a new and unfamiliar place via new roads, to the countryside. No urban landscape, no hospital, no backup plan, no safety net, the very darkest of unknowns.

However, it was great. I walked up hills, found peace and solitude, walked in the woods and listened to the river whisper.

I cooked in a little cabin kitchen and connected back to myself.

The urban expanse brings neither comfort nor security, it feeds my fears and imprisons my minds, plays tricks on me and convinces me that outside is the enemy. It is people I fear, people are the cruel, random, violent, betrayers of trust.

Nature has no favourites, it is not cruel, nor kind, it is, it does not change, it seasons have always been and will always be, it is not capricious of malevolent, it does not plot or betray, it has no skeletons, no secret past, nature has not lied, nature does not rewrite the past.

Mr Mouse keeps on Moving, keeps in doing, good one Mr Mouse!

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Dear Diary: The Night Is Dark And Full of Terrors

My attacks happen in my sleep.

I wake up, sometimes I am ok.

Sometimes I am not.

Sometimes I am paralysed

Sometimes a little.

Sometimes a lot.

Sometimes I can speak.

Sometimes I slur.

Sometimes I make no sense.

One time it didn’t hurt.

But I woke up.

And sound strummed agony for chords

I tried to smile but that didn’t work

Monday Night Reflection: Back to Normal

That is a lie, of course, there is no back to normal. Not in a bad way, but I am not going back. I had decided to move on before any of this dropped on me, I had changed direction, and normal was a fluid state of moving forward towards something new and different.

Normal was not a set routine or structure, I was developing a new business venture, I was practicing my skills, I was growing myself and exploring directions and possibilities to see what and what not plausible or possible, what could be developed for money and what was best left as artistic endeavour for artistic endeavour’s sake. My business was being grown, not pushed, I was learning from past mistakes, and the pace was consciously, in fact very deliberately slow. Each step was small, and consolidated, assessed and embedded, decisions taken carefully, investments very circumspectly undertaken indeed. I was very keen to be in absolutely no rush to spend money, time, or unnecessary effort in a fruitless endeavour. I was keenly aware that every resource I had was very limited and that my project was one I wanted to grow properly, healthily and strong in that organic way of a business finding its rightful place.

None of that has really changed. I have, I have made no secret that my skills and abilities have been affected, and I am relearning things. The timetable has been set back, and along with that, my blog has had to change from what I really wanted to be doing at this point in time and is not really what I wanted to be sharing either. However, my business, my blog, and my personal life are still there, still being developed and I am still working on each of my goals.

I have had a setback, and in the real sense of that, I am working from behind where I was, however, I am still working slowly, and that, ultimately is all that matters.

So while, there may never be, a back to normal, there is a normal service, and that is coming back.

Dear Diary – After the Hiatus

From Monday 3pm to Friday 3pm stuck in Hospital doing my best not to die of boredom, with so much empty space.

The reality was I shut down. Just to be able to cope I had to not think, no internalise, not be in the moment, not fully present or engaged, and not full focused at all on the future, the past or the present to detach myself from reality and the enforced artificial rules of the situation and my disempowerment.

I survived, the week was an unpleasant dark shadow over my life, holding the time before it in a strange semi-suspense because I knew at some point, coming at short notice, everything had to park for a week. Sensibly, nothing unparkable could be started. Not quite on hold, but really going forward fully either.

Now I am out, I am of course liberated, I am free to do whatever it was that I was unable to do before. Which was?

That is the question, in March so much of what I was doing got ripped away, I hate the melodramatic sound of that. But a few months down the line, it feels more that way now because back then there was the promise that certain things were temporary, that the losses inflicted would be short lived.

Reality has dawned; and I am living with and adjusting to, the new landscape, the shifting sand of what abilities retained, and the extent of skills lost. Those projects are on hold while I have to go and re-learn skills that I need in life. From fine motor skills and co-ordination to emotional intelligence and resilience or understanding, it feels like everything has taken some sort of damage. It may not be impossible, but it is going to take some time.

Of course, I have sabotaged self. My remarkable apparent comeback at the end of May and my stubborn refusal to quit doing whatever I can has led people to think I am ok, after all, here I am living life. That is what you see.

How could they know, the physical pain, the emotional difficulty, the depression, the despair, the frustration of knowing you once could and now can’t; of course they have no idea. And, really, now words can tell the story of being trapped knowing its gone and you might not get that back, or the frustration of being expected to operate on a level you can no longer reach. There is no way to say, this life, the one I was breezing through with ease, no it exhausts me before midday, those things that I could cope with and a hundred more on top, I am crushed by half of them or less, and that finger tapping sounds like you are taking a sledgehammer to my head, but its ok.

The break is over, it is time to move on, step by small step, practice, fail, get up, fall over, get up, make a mess, clean up, carry on, and so on, and so on, every day, every day trying, just trying and hoping to work a little way back, a little way on the dream, and little bit better than yesterday.

Poetry Corner – The Real Me

Sometimes you forget
Sometimes you believe
Sometimes you don’t pretend
You are not who you are
Not make believe or fantasy

You believe the empty words
The things they say because they should
Because they should be kind
They are the encouraging sort

Some days I forget they expect me to fail
Some days I believe their belief is real
Some days I am not pretending, it’s not an act

But then I see what is real
And I carry on, no big deal

Monday Night Reflection – Getting Philosophical

I have resisted for a while, but lately, it has been really very difficult not to turn very simple questions into mini or maybe not so mini motivational speeches about what is really important in life.

What I am saying isn’t new to me, and really is not some sort of amazing light bulb epiphany at all, I have known it for a quite a while. It is the coming together of threads that have been around for a while, so this is not a new fabric that I am weaving. This behaviour has left me wondering, why now? Clearly, something has to have changed for my behaviour to have changed in what is a not terribly subtle way.

I have exchanged some intellectual knowledge for experience recently; the experience did not change the intellectual knowledge, rather confirmed it with field data. However, in terms of what was important, and what people who knew the days ahead would be days not months or years, considered important, I already had good field data, so my own, not sure if I will see tomorrow experience did not cause a change even if it added my own data to the set.

I am also not sure any new data has been added, or that anything new was required for me to realise the unique and genuinely blessed situation in which I currently reside. So while I face challenges, the place I face them from is unique for me, and objectively one of the better places to be. I am also aware or the privileges and blessings or my situation and the experiences that I have had on my way here, and how in facing any challenge I am equipped in ways other people are not so fortunate to be. This is not new, and not to do down my own situation, which is not great, there are definitely people worse off, and a lot of worse situations to be in facing what I face.

So I am not sure what has happened, it’s been a while since my birthday, no one close to me has died, although yes people have passed away in my world, and their loss did sadden me to a tear or two, especially those I knew, perhaps it is that. But in general, there has been no change bar the passing of time from a week or a couple of weeks ago when I was not so introspective nor so philosophical.

Which has been my week, rather mundane tasks of sorting out my workspace and getting rid of things that should have been gone long ago, having bad days where nothing happened, and trying to gently sketch out the best way forward and what done looks like now that my personal landscape has changed. Things are definitely slower and taking more time, however, I am not convinced that is a bad change, and I my enthusiasm has changed in quality.

My business head knows that the best business makes money when the owner is not working as well as when the business is working, and it also knows that a lot of markets are very saturated with awesome unique products from very talented people. Add to that, skills in new media promotion and things that I am not sure I could do even if I wanted to do them, which I am not sure I do, I am having to work out a plan, strategy and even define purpose carefully. Perhaps learning from my previous, not outright failure, but definitely not success either enterprise and the things I didn’t do with that business, and how I massively overextended myself and my workload in that venture.

I still have no idea why these inputs have made me so philosophical.

Monday Night Reflection – Success and Failure

I planned to take a week off after competing and it ended up being a very good idea. The competition when exceptionally well and I secured my qualification for the British Finals as I set out to do, came back healthy and am now on course to go from the British Finals to the World Championships and be considered a contender.

That is the success, and I am not going to down play that success, I am still stunned to have this amazing opportunity at all, let alone after all that has happened so far this year. The weekend was successful with many improvements in self-management and performance management across the whole time which point towards a successful British performance and importantly that this will open up not just the opportunity to represent Britain at world level but also to be a legitimate podium contender. It is impossible to convey how surreal and odd it feels to be writing that about myself, and how I am proud of what I have done, but at the same time it really does not feel very real so I am not really that proud because I don’t feel I have done that much. Although, as I am told pretty regularly, to have the opportunity only 6 weeks after lying in a hospital with paralysis, its one hell of a comeback.

However, when I got home it had been 8 days without an attack, and while I made it through the weekend out the house when I got in I sat on the sofa and I went out. The full monty, this was a high register attack, lasting well over half an hour with the loss of speech, tone, and with paralysis. This would have been a hospital admission if we did not already know nothing would happen. I was devastated. I knew what was coming and it did, the hangover effects, this time it included the slightly hilarious not being able remember how to write a question mark.

By Wednesday most of the glitchyness was gone, most of my understanding and cognition was back, my emotional fragility was on the way out, and my motor skills were returning, left behind were a headache and dizziness. Its now 8 days later, and several smaller attacks later as well and I am at best 80% back to where I was 6pm on that Sunday night.

That was the failure. It probably feels like a bigger set back than it really is, but it is a real setback. I did have plans for the week after half term and so far to day I have lost most of the morning because I passed out, and I cant drive till we are sure I am safe which along with my motor skills and paralysis changes the athletic endeavour part of my life significantly. But I am still embarking on this part of my personal, professional and life journey back from where I really wanted to be. Even this reflection is not the reflection I would have wanted to be writing.

This is Monday, last week pushed me back, but I have achievement locked, and I have plans to grow my business project slowly but surely, I have another small scale little income project running and that can run its life and earn its little bit while it burns too, and I am busy taking the steps I can to get from where I am to where I want to be accepting they are smaller than I may have wanted or anticipated but that a step is a step nonetheless and I can build from where I am.

My plans have not changed, they may just take a little longer and happen a little more slowly.