Monday Night Reflection: Back to Normal

That is a lie, of course, there is no back to normal. Not in a bad way, but I am not going back. I had decided to move on before any of this dropped on me, I had changed direction, and normal was a fluid state of moving forward towards something new and different.

Normal was not a set routine or structure, I was developing a new business venture, I was practicing my skills, I was growing myself and exploring directions and possibilities to see what and what not plausible or possible, what could be developed for money and what was best left as artistic endeavour for artistic endeavour’s sake. My business was being grown, not pushed, I was learning from past mistakes, and the pace was consciously, in fact very deliberately slow. Each step was small, and consolidated, assessed and embedded, decisions taken carefully, investments very circumspectly undertaken indeed. I was very keen to be in absolutely no rush to spend money, time, or unnecessary effort in a fruitless endeavour. I was keenly aware that every resource I had was very limited and that my project was one I wanted to grow properly, healthily and strong in that organic way of a business finding its rightful place.

None of that has really changed. I have, I have made no secret that my skills and abilities have been affected, and I am relearning things. The timetable has been set back, and along with that, my blog has had to change from what I really wanted to be doing at this point in time and is not really what I wanted to be sharing either. However, my business, my blog, and my personal life are still there, still being developed and I am still working on each of my goals.

I have had a setback, and in the real sense of that, I am working from behind where I was, however, I am still working slowly, and that, ultimately is all that matters.

So while, there may never be, a back to normal, there is a normal service, and that is coming back.

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Monday Night Reflection – Getting Philosophical

I have resisted for a while, but lately, it has been really very difficult not to turn very simple questions into mini or maybe not so mini motivational speeches about what is really important in life.

What I am saying isn’t new to me, and really is not some sort of amazing light bulb epiphany at all, I have known it for a quite a while. It is the coming together of threads that have been around for a while, so this is not a new fabric that I am weaving. This behaviour has left me wondering, why now? Clearly, something has to have changed for my behaviour to have changed in what is a not terribly subtle way.

I have exchanged some intellectual knowledge for experience recently; the experience did not change the intellectual knowledge, rather confirmed it with field data. However, in terms of what was important, and what people who knew the days ahead would be days not months or years, considered important, I already had good field data, so my own, not sure if I will see tomorrow experience did not cause a change even if it added my own data to the set.

I am also not sure any new data has been added, or that anything new was required for me to realise the unique and genuinely blessed situation in which I currently reside. So while I face challenges, the place I face them from is unique for me, and objectively one of the better places to be. I am also aware or the privileges and blessings or my situation and the experiences that I have had on my way here, and how in facing any challenge I am equipped in ways other people are not so fortunate to be. This is not new, and not to do down my own situation, which is not great, there are definitely people worse off, and a lot of worse situations to be in facing what I face.

So I am not sure what has happened, it’s been a while since my birthday, no one close to me has died, although yes people have passed away in my world, and their loss did sadden me to a tear or two, especially those I knew, perhaps it is that. But in general, there has been no change bar the passing of time from a week or a couple of weeks ago when I was not so introspective nor so philosophical.

Which has been my week, rather mundane tasks of sorting out my workspace and getting rid of things that should have been gone long ago, having bad days where nothing happened, and trying to gently sketch out the best way forward and what done looks like now that my personal landscape has changed. Things are definitely slower and taking more time, however, I am not convinced that is a bad change, and I my enthusiasm has changed in quality.

My business head knows that the best business makes money when the owner is not working as well as when the business is working, and it also knows that a lot of markets are very saturated with awesome unique products from very talented people. Add to that, skills in new media promotion and things that I am not sure I could do even if I wanted to do them, which I am not sure I do, I am having to work out a plan, strategy and even define purpose carefully. Perhaps learning from my previous, not outright failure, but definitely not success either enterprise and the things I didn’t do with that business, and how I massively overextended myself and my workload in that venture.

I still have no idea why these inputs have made me so philosophical.

Monday Night Reflection: Nothing To See Here

It is difficult to reflect on a week, where, to my mind, very little of what happened is Mouse related. Mr Mouse, it would appear has not been busy. Where Mr Mouse was once busy sorting out and tidying around making sense of my world and doing a great job in the background of getting things done for me there is now space. Worse, a slightly sticky space bar is hindering my efforts, which is perhaps the problem.

At the moment all my sense are turned way up, sounds hurt, touches, tastes, they all cause physical pain at very low intensities, on a certain level, I am guessing this is what autism must feel like because input, is generally, not a pleasant thing. And life is all about input, sleep isn’t restful and tired, sick, nausea and generally feeling in pain in some way is what it’s all about. Creatively everything is dry, projects are dry, work is gone, nothing to do, no inclination to do it, and recovery has hit a wall with even physical progress coming and going. It has been another tough week after a tough week. So while the stats people could say the trend on the graph is positive, it is positive trend on trend, its a very slow trend and the negatives are big, the downs are big, the relapses are huge and the experience is anything but what someone would call fun.

It would be accurate to say, at least some, if not some large chunks of the time, I have started to feel more than just a little sorry for myself. Because, I am not going anywhere or getting anything done, and if I am making a little progress, one I can’t share it and two it is only back to a level far below the level I was at anyway before all of this started back in March. Imagine playing in an orchestra and then having to back and start grade levels, that is the equivalent. At the same time, the physical pain is intense and debilitating, my mind is working at a physically tiring level, so writing this is the mental equivalent of a workout when once it was easy to write and introspect. In fact, not only was it easy, it was a fun and helpful, now just writing an email to a friend is taxing and difficult as a task.

It is difficult because, I have to recognise that is, really, very early days. I don’t have a cast to see or a wound to see healing, which is a huge part of the problem, it is all happening in my head and inside where no one can see what is going on, and it is messing with my emotional and coping capacities as well as impacting on my personality. The impact is on how I see and feel about myself, there are suicidal thoughts and my self-talk is very negative, you could say I am depressed, but at the same time, I am not depressed in how I have experienced depression in my life previously. This is a complex awareness that I am two people existing in the same space at the same time failing to cope with the existence of each other. This is the stuff my Mouse used to handle for me, this is what I let my mind sort out in the background my focusing on positive goals and helping others. Those things do not work, I am tired, my concentration has gone and my memory awful, but of course I have not given up. The two, the depths of despair and abandonment alongside hope and optimism are together interwoven bound in single thoughts.

The past is the past, and this has happened, the future I thought I had, it is not the same, and where I had a plan, I do not even have a plan about how to plan anymore. I would say I am fighting, but I am, it feels, more trying to work out who the opponent is, before I start fighting back. So far it seems the opponent is me, or more precisely a me that has started to malfunction and is apparently going to start working again spontaneously. There is no fight, just waiting, which is perhaps, ultimately, why I cannot cope. Previously I have a process, a fight, something to do, and this time, all I can find is, wait and time does the job. Great, if you are on the express train, not so great for those on the slow boat. I think I didn’t get off the harbour here.

The purpose of reflection is to do, and that is where I am coming up blank each and every time, I have no do. So far, it’s do what I can still do, setbacks like getting food poisoning included, and keep looking for new opportunities and avenues to make progress, even if, so far, they have not opened up or become apparent.

Monday Night Reflection: Not Famous

I have tried to avoid deep introspection and life reassessment, it’s a bit cheesy, but I have been very low, and having discovered that on top of my existing medical journey I picked up a kidney infection (probably in my duplex kidney) I did manage to hit a very low and rather depressed point.

Thing is, I started noticing something, part of what had driven me to change my profession was that people in that field were asking what I had done. When I started it was all about technical ability, proficiency, results and knowledge, and now it is all about how famous you are and how famous the people you work with are. It is a fame game. More and more, I was thinking about contributing and the barrier to entry was how famous are you or how famous are the people you know.

It was last night, sat with my wife and stepson watching Disney Cars, my wife had not seen it and I am excited to see Disney Cars 3 in June, so we sat and were watching it together, he joined us and we had a really great evening and even grabbed a small takeaway tea for ease. It was a great end to what was a really enjoyable weekend. It was getting ready for bed that I had the light bulb moment, because like I do, and many of us do, I had a quick scroll through Instagram and I follow a few “successful” people, and they had worked. They seemed super happy that they had found time to be “productive”.

No knock on them, but that would not have made me happy, the thought of what they had done made me sad. My weekend I had sorted the exhaust on my car with a friend, trained, spoke with a couple of friends, one was a bit overdue and was really nice to catch up too, and watched a lot of MotoGP, spruced up the house as we have been doing for years and probably will be doing for years, and connected friendships. Most of my time was simply,  being, productivity and metrics were the furthest things from my mind, in fact, I remember my son and wife looking at me somewhat aghast as my phone vibrated through the film and I didn’t even flip it over despite having seen the film many times before. Why, I was enjoying the moment of being with them, nothing I do is that critical it can’t wait an hour or two despite what some people thing. And it is Sunday, and it’s a day none of us has to work so I make sure I keep it free to have with those I love.

I don’t want to be famous, and I don’t want that success. Travelling to do this and do that and the lifestyles that the successful have in what I am good at are just not for me. I guess I am good at the wrong things. You can take your adoring crowds, that’s cool, I will wake up to the eyes of the woman who loves me win or lose, succeed or fail, the woman who picked up and held my hand when I couldn’t move it myself, the woman who has seen me at rock bottom, and who chose to sit down next to me and just wait till I was ready.

It is not that I don’t want success, it’s that I won’t drop mine chasing someone else’s dream.

Dear Diary 24th April 2017: I had a Plan

Day one of getting things back to normal, well I guess it really was back to normal. My wife drove off to work and I decided to hit an errand early before I got my telephone appointment with my doctor at 10:30am.

Sort of odd having the Doctor have reception ring me up and make a telephone appointment, but it has happened and the plan was to go out and get the out of the house stuff done before. Simple, normal.

As it happens, devastating normal, the car battery is flat, the rear tyre is functionally flat, and the steering feels like a truck from 1920 heavy.

The last couple of months have been expensive car wise with our cars breaking terminally leaving us with the cheap run about and then us buying a super cheap 2nd to get my wife to work that then needed fixing because its Main Dealer Service History included that Main Dealer not doing the work properly and nearly breaking the engine.

Day one and already things are messed about by 35mins into the day, which means, yep, normal for sure!

Dear Diary: 20th February 2017

Don’t stroke the Mouse!

Mouse was rushed into hospital last Tuesday with a suspected stroke.

Nearly a week later all we can say for definite is that Thursday night his brain showed no sign of damage.

20 stroke like episodes later Mouse can barely move his left side or speak.

His NHS experience is far from positive but with every reason to be down my brave Mouse is still upbeat and planning new projects for when he finally comes home.

Mrs Mouse