Dear Diary: 16th May 17 Just?

Still nothing.

Yes, lots of progress but not back to where I can do what I used to do

I have to accept that in terms of medical stuff I am ahead of the curve but in terms of me I am nowhere, in the void.

Even writing that I struggle to write is difficult to write

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Dear Diary 14th April 2017

I have nothing to say

My voice has gone literally and metaphorically

I am scared to sleep tonight

Scared to say I had a small attack

My mouth is numb and my head is throbbing

I know the signs now, even when they are mild

Staying awake doesn’t change a thing

Sleeping gets it over with

But still I am scared

What if this time is the time I don’t make it back?

Dear Diary: 20th February 2017

Don’t stroke the Mouse!

Mouse was rushed into hospital last Tuesday with a suspected stroke.

Nearly a week later all we can say for definite is that Thursday night his brain showed no sign of damage.

20 stroke like episodes later Mouse can barely move his left side or speak.

His NHS experience is far from positive but with every reason to be down my brave Mouse is still upbeat and planning new projects for when he finally comes home.

Mrs Mouse

Dear Diary: 1st March 2017

My head hurts, the pain from my obstructed bile duct that Doctor’s could not find is back. I had this cool symptom triad of pain approximately over my pancreas, radiating back to my kidney and a headache. That triad never went completely but things are building.

This is about life boxes, the weekend has left me behind with creativity and my business project. I feel stupid because my Anonymouse blog can’t promote my little venture and my venture can’t direct to my blog without broadcasting to my ex and the problems and issues that would create that I cannot handle. But I want people to see the blog and find it useful to them and I want to share what I create.

Feel like I don’t promote myself out of fear of backlash and there is this great big set of shadows. On the one hand, I have that fear of vicious reprisals and the fact that those near me do have something to lose and she not only knows how but also would because she did once already try and destroy anyone seen as on my team. On another, I have a health issue that has already taken away my hard work and opportunities that I worked for.

Feel hemmed in by threats. While at the same time as my creative project boxes are stalling, my life – life has a car dying, another car breaking, a budget that had a 13k hole in it, 6k owed I never knew about and a £300 a month outgoing that wasn’t in the original budgeting, so my income is super low just as the financial shit hits the fan, and because of my health, which is really crappy, I can’t just take a crappy job to bring in money because I could wake up or even take sick. I have actually collapsed a few times in the last 6 months, probably should have let myself be taken to hospital but I refused.

That is all becoming more than I can cope with in a big way. At the same time, there is all that opportunity which feels like it is slipping away because I just cannot get to take advantage of it through being ill, through dealing with minor life issues like I need to. It’s all being wasted for me as well as by me being so fearful to step out. I feel like success would bring a shitstorm of reprisals, it’s all brakes on me that I feel and they are hurting.

 

Dear Diary: 27 Feb 2017

Completely thrown today, son decided to randomly unannounced have a friend over, who is now at 10:30 still asleep. Feel completely invaded. They have eaten the loaf that was supposed to do the week, eaten food that was for the week, ruined my Sunday afternoon relaxing.

Top it all, I feel completely not at home in my own home …. Everything is behind, nothing is done and I am hosting tea with friends tonight and have had to tidy up after them already.

And its still raining.

Dear Diary 17th Feb 2017

I am hurting lots, more than usual. I would make a joke about a bus or train hitting me but not now. This isn’t funny today, my eyes sting because I want to sleep again, I am exhausted from the pain and the physiotherapy this morning.

I tell myself all this is worth it to be better and be healthy but times like this I am not convinced at all.

Just want to feel healthy again, I can hurt fine when I feel healthy.

Dear Diary 3rd February 2017

Today was the big day, time for my ultrasound. I thought it would find nothing, and found nothing. Well a fatty liver and calcium deposits in my kidney and the right one is in fact duplex. Not pathology that would indicate why I am hurting like I do and getting the effects I do.

MR scan next, not holding my breath. Fed up and pissed off. Oh yeah and hurting